Why I Didn’t Post on Father’s Day – Unedited Version
Edited version was originally published on The Odyssey by Saadia Rose.
As midnight hit on June 18th this year, the posts began to flood my timeline about everyone’s amazing father. Oh, and the occasional post shouting out to the single moms. Now, I personally love my dad and my step-dad. My parents divorced when I was around 8 years old and I met my ‘soon-to-be step’ father when I was 10. Most of my memories from my father are positive one. I was always a daddy’s girl. My mom worked a lot, so my dad stayed home to take care of my brothers and I. I did everything with my dad growing up. We went fishing, played soccer and listen to music all the time. As I began to grow up, I started to discover some of the reality of what surrounded my life. Addiction is horrible disease that is common in a lot of households and unfortunately mine was one of those. Broken promises, scared reactions, random calls from foreign places, and surprises all around are a few things that I got used to. Now that I am considered an adult, the full truth has been revealed to me and now I know how to feel. I don’t. I have to remove my emotions on this day to keep my heart whole. Like I said, I love my dad but the difference is that now I know my dad.
My step father and I were not the best of friends when he first proposed to my mom. After my parents divorced, my mom became my best friend and her new fiance was trying to get in the middle of our relationship. There was no way I could let that happen. I did my best to make him feel uncomfortable. I was mean and I always made sure that I got my way. I did some pretty messed up things when I reflect back on that time. The point is that as I grew up, I began to learn more about him. His true colors began to flourish and I realized that he was a good asset to my family. I cannot thank him enough for being persistent with me and taking good care of my mom. But still to this day, we get into disagreements that remind of the things that do bother me about him.
Do you see my dilema? If you don’t, I’ll break it down for you: I love both of my dads but I am uncomfortable discussing either one of them publicly. If I say one thing about one and the other disagrees it will make me instantly feel guilty. I cannot discuss them as equal because one isn’t even my blood. The problem is that I do not know how to feel about Father’s Day. I didn’t post on Father’s Day because I do not know how to feel about it. That’s it. I just get all tense when thinking of my father figures. I continue to type how I feel, then I instantly find myself smashing the delete button on my keyboard. I don’t know how to feel. I do not have Asperger’s, I am fully capable of using my emotions. But when it comes to this particular holiday, I cannot fully express myself without feeling guilty of some sort.
Want to hear a secret? I told my step dad happy father’s day this year, but I didn’t even bother to call my dad. I don’t know what it is. I feel that I hold so much resentment toward him. I have always feared speaking up to him about it. I could only imagine how hurt he would be. When I learned about his addiction, I wanted to yell and scream at him so bad. I always learned in school that drugs are bad and the effects they had on families, but it sucked to live the reality. You know what held me back from yelling at him? The thought of him getting upset and leaving to go get drunk and high only to come back home to pick a fight with my mom. I love my dad so much, but it hurts me to know what type of person he is. He abused my family because of sickness of addiction. I always wondered why he went back to drinking and crack because he knew he would lose me if he didn’t stop. Did he love crack more than me, his only daughter? I asked myself this question every other day. I remember when he just left and went back to mexico. I didn’t hear from my dad in THREE YEARS. Or at least it felt like it. He didn’t call or text me to arrange visitation. His phone didn’t even work when I called. I honestly at some point though the was dead. I wasn’t sure if he
My mind is racing. My heart is thumping. I don’t know how to feel. I am hurt. This feeling is hurt. I cannot control the way my mind works.